And your commentator for the game is...

Andy Yates, whom I have decided to adopt as the Euro 2004 football pundit for bignoseduglyguy.com. Even though he's a zillion timezones away in Minneapolis where the games cost him $20 on pay-per-view, his devotion to the English game and unflinching reportage make him the obvious choice.

To encourage some click-throughs, here's a small sample of his style:

England v France
Heskey came on and couldn't remain upright or for that matter keep anyone else upright (cough, free kick, cough.) David James is a bloody donkey although he did have some moments where he looked like he had seen a football before....So how did it end 2-1? Three names for you: James, Heskey and Owen. Leave them all out for the next game Sven or I'll send Ulrika round to pick up her CDs.

England v Switzerland
"I'm starting to wonder if David James ever moves for set-pieces. Once again he stood there like a deer in the headlights...And what the hell was that [single] Owen shot? My eighteen month old son has a better right foot than that...Thank God Heskey didn't grace us with his presence."

And now back to the studio - Gary?